Close your eyes and think back to the day your child was born. Remember the moment your eyes met for the first time, holding one of life’s greatest gifts. Did you envision their future, filled with Montessori schooling, soccer and dance lessons, straight A’s from Kindergarten to 12th grade, piano lessons, fluency in French or Mandarin, having friends from similar backgrounds, attending your alma mater or an Ivy League school, no mishaps in college, and then off to graduate school to become your protégé?
Now, open your eyes and fast forward to today. Ask yourself, “Am I struggling with the fact my child hasn’t achieved straight A’s since first grade and is now a C student in 9th grade?” “Or my soon-to-be senior wants to take a gap year to find herself?” “Or my 5-year-old refuses to play the sport I love and cries at every match?” If any of these resonate with you, your expectations might be sabotaging your relationship with your child.
Parental Expectations vs. Child’s Needs
As parents, we often get trapped in a mental utopia of visions and expectations for our children, leaving no room for imperfection. This struggle intensifies when we define our children by our desires rather than their true selves. We suffer most when we pursue a life for our children that isn’t theirs. When expectations are unmet, pain follows, and we often blame our children for not living up to those expectations, even if they are unreasonable. These expectations usually stem from our upbringing, our personalities, or societal norms.
We are taught to imitate and desire things, which we project onto our children, causing unnecessary suffering. For instance, if you come from a family where everyone pursued higher education and professional careers, you might expect your child to, at the very least, attend college. But what if your child wants to go to culinary school to become a chef? Or quits math and science clubs to pursue the arts? The inability to release these expectations creates barriers that block effective communication and harm your child’s sense of self.
Unrealistic Parental Expectations
Unrealistic expectations steal joy and rob you of the chance to have a genuine relationship with your child. When parents remain fixated on these expectations, they indirectly tell their children there is little tolerance for disappointment, potentially leading to stress, anxiety, and depression. This lack of grace teaches children that their imperfections are inadequacies. A healthy parent-child relationship is built on emotional security, where a child can be themselves without fear of rejection. Above all, children want to be accepted, heard, and validated by their parents. Adjusting your expectations to fit your child’s chosen path allows for a more authentic and joyous parenting experience.
The Power to Change Expectations
As parents, we have the power to change our expectations. We need to recognize our children as individuals and understand that if they cannot meet our expectations, it’s not their fault. Parenting should be rooted in unconditional love, insight, and acceptance. By embracing this approach, our expectations will naturally align with our children’s authentic paths, fostering a fulfilling and struggle-free relationship.
